"A Real Pain" + Emotion Regulation: Part 1

undercontrol, overcontrol, + some mild spoilers

I watched A Real Pain last week and liked it more than any movie I’ve seen in a long time. The film depicts two cousins, Benji and David, reuniting for a Jewish heritage trip through Poland following their grandmother’s death. They were born 3 weeks apart and were close as children. Their paths diverged in adulthood, and the conflicts emerging from their differing personalities and trajectories are central to the plot.

The movie has so much depth and so many angles ripe for discussion, but I’m going to focus on one specific theme: emotion regulation. This term describes our efforts to influence our feelings in some way, most commonly to reduce negative emotions (e.g., sadness, anger) or to increase positive emotions (e.g., joy, enthusiasm).

To oversimplify, Benji is emotionally undercontrolled, while David is emotionally overcontrolled. Benji moves through the world spontaneously, manages to both charm and irritate strangers, expresses his fluctuating feelings freely, and has no clear plans for the future.* David is tense, introverted, conscientious, and trying hard to control his emotions and experiences. The tension between their perspectives plays out in scenes like these:

Benji: Dude. I’m just saying how I feel.

David: Okay, why is that, like, important now?

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Benji: Like, we completely cut ourselves off from anyone else’s true pain.

Mark (tour member): So what are we supposed to do about that?

Benji: Acknowledge it, man. Like, try to feel it in some way.

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David: Well, I’m not okay. I just, like, take a pill for my OCD,** you know, and I jog, and I meditate. And I go to work in the morning. And I, like, come home at the end of the day. And I, like, move forward, you know. Because I know that my pain is unexceptional so I don’t feel the need to, like, you know, burden everybody with it, ya know?

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David: If we wept for every sad thing in the world, what would that accomplish?

Benji: Uh, maybe sad things wouldn’t constantly happen?

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Most of us can relate to Benji and David, though maybe one more than the other, and dependent on the particular situation we’re in. Being completely uninhibited and absorbed by our emotions all the time clearly has its consequences, but then again, so do persistent attempts to control, deny, or avoid our emotions. Healthy emotion regulation means striking a balance where we acknowledge our emotions and act skillfully to navigate them. As you can imagine, the context matters a lot here and there is no single right way to do this.

I’ll share more reflections on specific emotion regulation strategies in a Part 2 post because this is getting lengthy! The approaches I’ll share are inspired by recently reading Emotion Efficacy Therapy.*** In the meantime, check out these great animated videos with emotion regulation strategies from Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

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*Fun fact: Benji lives with his mom in Binghamton, right near my husband’s hometown.

**For more information about OCD and its treatment, check out the International OCD Foundation website.

***My friend, Dr. Joel Minden, recommended an Emotion Efficacy Therapy book to me that I really liked. Check out the excellent book he wrote called Show Your Anxiety Who’s Boss.